urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:masque_d Musings of a Deranged Mind... c'est MOI! masque_d 2008-01-29T15:08:51Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:masque_d:959 2008-01-29T15:08:51Z 2008-01-29T15:08:51Z Aerosmith - 'Jaded' Its as if the whole world is a twisted mental hospital full of aliens and all the time I have to put on another face and pretend to be one of them in order not to be zapped. I hate it. I hate THEM. But I cannot do anything about it. Late at night I cry and wonder if I will ever feel 'normal'... what 'normal' actually is. Does it even exist? I don't want to conform and become another sheep, following the masses blindly, and yet... and yet... I am so damn tired of feeling so irritated and isolated all the time! My loneliness is killing me.&nbsp;<br /><br />I am 24, still live with my parents and don't have a hint of a boyfriend. Nice life huh? I have a job which is really boring and takes up all of my time, and I'm about to start a Masters Degree in English Literature nexth month (and I have NO idea how I am going to cope). Seems like&nbsp;I have a lot to occupy my mind right? In truth, I feel empty. Totally EMPTY.<br /><br />I HAVE NOTHING<br /><br />I HAVE NO ONE<br /><br />There are a couple of guys who like me (superficially), but I am fed up of going out with people just to try and fill up some of the emptiness. In the end, its worse. Better be totally alone than try to do something against your heart. I have friends, but they are almost all couples. They all have their own lives. I love them to bits, but sometimes I find myself being jealous of their happiness and unworthy of being with them because of these feelings.<br /><br />I don't know what to do. I just want someone to love. Someone who loves me. Why is that so difficult for me?<br /><br />The worst thing is this, many people have loved and lost. Or had at least one meaningful relationship in their lives. At my age, you'd imagine I had fallen in love at least ONCE. But thing is, I NEVER HAVE. NEVER! What on earth is wrong with me? Am I so totally frozen? Don't I have any heart?<br /><br />I am opening up here because its an online thing. No one knows my name or who I am. In real life I never say anything. I put on my Masque and act as if everything's ok all the time. As though I was 'one of them'. But inside, I am screaming, screaming, screaming. And there is no one to hear.&nbsp;<br /><br />No one to care. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:masque_d:654 2008-01-29T12:44:58Z 2008-01-29T12:44:58Z 'Play Dead' - Bjork I don't know how this thing works exactly so I'll just type whatever comes to mind and hope that it doesn't get deleted once I press 'Post'. That happens to me every time I post a comment on Hi5 lately, but that site is totally fucked up. Half the photos can't be seen and I keep getting messages by the dozens from people I don't know and couldn't care less about. I miss the feeling I used to have the first year I passed as a Premium Member of Vampire Rave. I was really addicted. Now I've abandoned that too. It started to get repetitive and the point about websites like that is ENTERTAINMENT right? My life is boring enough as it is! Thank you!<br /><br />Yesterday evening I was tired out after work (I always am nowadays... not that I am working much you understand, but my eyes start to close after almost nine hours in front of a PC) and I just tucked myself under my quilt, put on 'Stream of Passion' and tried to read the new issue of Alternative Magazine. After a while I had to stop reading an article about how Marilyn Manson used up all his band-members' money to buy the skeleton of a Japanese boy and various Nazi paraphernalia, the music was too beautiful and I just needed to concentrate on it and let my heart and my mind soar.<br /><br />Not surprisingly, my mind soared straight into thinking&nbsp;about a certain person whom I have ISSUES with and whom I have no buisness thinking about in a certain way in the first place. After all, it is HE who is almost in love with me, and IT IS ME who is putting a stop to it all the time (he's too old for me, separated and not my kind of guy... plus I'd never hear the end of it from my parents... every one of these points deserves an entry with pages expounding the problems concerned but I don't want to get into that now). Anyway... after creating and living various imagined situations and story-lines in my head, I finally nodded off to sleep.<br /><br />*sigh*<br /><br />Nice evening huh? I hope tonight will be better.<br /><br />There's Desperate Housewives on TV... oh joy...